Thursday, May 3, 2007

It's 5 o'clock somewhere

My day job isn’t all that bad, really. I work in a hardware store. I get to wear jeans and steel toed boots to work. It could be worse.
However, it is retail, and so is soul crushing and dignity robbing. It’s in the employee handbook. Seriously, page 17, right after the section on “Why You Have to Wear This Doofy Uniform”, but before the section on “Thou Shalt Not Tell Customers What You Really Think of Them, No Matter How Much of a Twat They Are Being”. And so, in the interest of keeping my sanity, this is a list of things I would love to post in the breakroom, but instead will post on the internet under a pseudonym. That way I have plausible deniability, and might get to eat for another two weeks. Hooray!

First, for my coworkers:

1. If you've had a bad day, week, month or life, that sucks for you, but don't take it out on me. If you don't have the strength of character to confront the person that's the problem, shut the hell up. Nobody else cares. Guaranteed.

2. Don't go on power trips. You manage a neighborhood hardware store, you don't rule the world, aight Ghengis?

3. Do your job. That's what you're paid to do. You are not paid to take 17 "cigarette breaks" to go make out with/ argue with your junkie boyfriend outside. I'm trying to do my job, and I can't do that if I'm busy doing yours.

4. Quit showing up high/stoned/drunk/whatever. It makes you entirely ineffective. I know you all think you're "high-functioning", but there's no such thing. You're just better practiced at it. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.

5. If I'm walking out the door, don't ask me to mix 17 gallons of paint. I'll do it because you're incompetent, but while I'm doing it, I'll be plotting your untimely demise. Just so you know.

And now, for the customers-

1. If a key has "Do Not Duplicate" stamped in GREAT BIG LETTERS on the front, it's for a reason. Your landlord doesn't want people that he's evicted coming back and blowing the place up, and he doesn't want people that aren't paying rent living there, and he doesn't want easy access for potential thieves. All of these are very good reasons to keep track of a finite number of keys. If you argue with me about it, I will run your fingers, one at a time, under the duplicator blade until you agree with me. For Christ's sake, people, do you even know what "duplicate" means???

2. Yes, I work here. Yes, I am a girl. Yes, I know what I'm doing. Don't patronize the girl holding the sledgehammer.

3. I am wearing a nametag for a reason. Sure, it says “Frederick”, but maybe my parents were weird. You never know. If you must address me, use that as a guide. My name is NOT sweetheart, darling, honey, sugar or any other pet name that little mind of yours can think up. I will call you schnoogum-boogum in front of your wife and we'll see how you like it. (The only exception to this is if you're from the South, and even then, you're on thin ice. Schnookums.

4. I am here because I'm paid to be, and I have a job to do. Unfortunately, part of that job is helping your bewildered self find what you think you need before you give and call in a professional. I am not here for the social scene, and given that I'm wearing a wedding ring, you would think one could safely assume I'm not here for the dating scene. This is not so, apparently, so let me clarify- You cannot have my number, I'm not interested in dinner, I'm not old enough to drink anyway, and my feelings on older men are that natural selection needs to be helped along a bit, and I'd be happy to oblige it if you continue in this vein. I know I'm cute. Too bad you're an ugly motherfucker, huh?

5. This is a hardware store. Not the largest, but our selection is decent. If you come in and ask for "little blue plastic thingies", you'd better be prepared to elaborate, or if I'm feeling vindictive, be shown *every* thing in the store that is or might ever be blue, small or plastic.

6. Change is annoying anywhere. There's a bank across the street, they change tender, that's what they do. Go there first. Unless you're paying me in gold ingots, and I get to keep them, I better see some foldin' money. Anything over 2 dollars is just ridiculous.

7. Same with big bills. And if you're going to try and break a $100 bill at 8 in the morning, you'd BETTER not haggle over a $2 purchase. BANK!

8. I have access to thousands of feet of cordage. If you do not restrain your children, I will, and I guarantee my way will leave marks.

That is all.

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